After years of creating elaborately technical, but very slow lumbering machines to kill one fast-moving rodent, Dr. Robotnik (known to Beatles fans as Dr. Eggman) decided to strike Sonic the Hedgehog where it would hurt him most: in the central nervous system.

His most successful creation, Dr. Robotnik’s Vertigo Machine, sent out a 9.2-GigaWhave blast of nausea-inducing Vertigohms. As a side effect, it also introduced a third dimension to Sonic and Robotnik’s universe. Almost immediately, Sonic began to fall from ledges he would previously have simply run past and to miss the entrances of loops, as if he had suddenly lost all sense of direction.

The invention worked a little too well, Robotnik eventually realized. It made gamers nauseous and impatient as well and sent them away in droves. Ever the pragmatist, Robotnik stopped using the machine and leased it out to the developers of the Worms game series.

Things improved a little in the Sonic universe, but not much. Robotnik, now depressed and demoralized, went back to inventing bulbous, hovering monstrosities.

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Dear Diving Judges,

I’m writing to you regarding the events of August 18th, 1980 in which I, Simon DeGainus, competed at the main pool in the platform diving event. As you may recall on my third dive attempt I smacked my head on the concrete platform and fell unconscious and bleeding into the deep water below.

I would like to remind you that none of you came to my aid. In fact I waited for 7 minutes at the bottom of the pool while you just sat there and held your 0.0 scorecards. I was only 15 feet away. I know you all can swim.

I think you are all jerks.

I’m writing this from a wheelchair.

With a computer that tracks my eye movements to type and move.

My wife has to change my adult diapers three times a day.

Go to hell.

Yours,
Simon DeGainus

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