Siege of the Seventh Galaxy was an mid-80s videogame that strived to raise the stakes of gaming and make the gamer play with a greater sense of investment by erasing itself if the player died or stopped the program.

The last known person to play a copy of it was Tom, a long time Hawaii resident. His copy (actually on load from a helicopter pilot friend) was erased when his employer’s liaison caught him sneaking time with the game in a quiet corner of the manor and terminated the game not knowing the consequences. The game reformatted the game disk and the computer’s hard disk which contains the liaison’s prized war memoirs.

The liaison, distraught and angry, exacted revenge by reporting Tom’s fancy car stolen which led to Tom’s being briefly jailed before being bailed out by his friend Orville, a local bar owner. Tom, seeing this action as unwarranted, took a weed wacker to the liaison’s prized Cereus Mandevillus which was answered by the removal of the head of Tom’s rubber chicken and its placement under his pillow. Tom then gummed up the manor’s antique cannon with cement and then found most of his treasured bric-a-brac like his Tigers baseball jersey, baseball glove and gorilla mask had been suddenly donated to an orphanage.

Then Tom blew up the liaison’s scale popsicle stick model of the bridge over the River Kwai with explosives and a detonator and we all agreed that was the best episode of that show ever.

From fastest to slowest:

• Pants
• Jackets
• Boots and Shoes
• Hats
• Sunglasses

• The entire 1980 “Miracle of Ice” USA Olympic hockey team (circa 1993)
• Six copies of script to moving yet unproduced serious follow-up to live-action Rocky and Bullwinkle movie
• Colony of naked mole rats and the unexploded naked mole rat nuclear missile they worship
• Five of the Group of Seven artists plus a large supply of canvases
• 75% of the barons who helped draft, and press royal support for, the Magna Carta — plus lesser known Mini Carta, the adorable racing version
• Last known significant supply of Hydrox cookies left on Earth
• Evil Goatee Universe from Star Trek (except possibly for the evil goateed giant Neo-Geo cartridge which holds our decidedly non-evil goatee-free universe. The nested universe issue continues to divide our quantum science community)
• Most flavours of Windows Vista
• Your summer house in the Hamptons
• A turducken inside of Kathleen Turner, inside of Kirstie Alley
• Magnum P.I.’s mustache, in a vast dark room on a pedestal dramatically lit by a single spotlight, flanked by the ever-vigilant Zeus and Apollo

Marcus: Hey. Asshole. I need a cat.

Humane Society Worker: Excuse me?

Marcus: Ugh. Clean the shit out of your ears, will ya? I need a cat.

Humane Society Worker: Oh, okay… what sort of cat are you looking for?

Marcus: A cute kitten.

Humane Society Worker: Cute Kitten?

Marcus: Yeah, a fucking cute goddamn kitten. You got a problem with that?

Humane Society Worker: No, you just look like a pitbull sort of guy.

Marcus: Eat shit and die.

Humane Society Worker: Sorry.

Marcus: Let’s do this.

Humane Society Worker: Of course. I have to ask you some standard screening questions. Do you live in a house or apartment and what is the approximate size of your place?

Marcus: I live in a helicopter. CAT!

Humane Society Worker: Uh, uh… why do you want a kitten?

Marcus: Listen asshole. Cat. Now!

Humane Society Worker: I’m sorry sir but, but I have to ask these questions or I’m not allowed to release a pet to you for adoption so I really do need to know why you want a kitten.

Marcus: …

Humane Societ Worker: Sir?

Marcus: … I’m, I’m very lonely.

Humane Society Worker: Lonely?

Marcus: Yes. Lonely. I’ve been fighting the Locust Horde for so long that sometimes I think I’ve lost my humanity. I need to reconnect to my feminine side. I need to nuture something. Give life instead of taking it. And maybe you can also, I don’t know, eat shit and die I guess.

Humane Society Worker: I see. Hey, are you crying?

Marcus: NO!

Humane Society Worker: How about Mr. Cuddles here? He’s a 9 month-old tabby.

Marcus: That cat can eat shit and die.

Humane Society Worker: …

Marcus: That cat and eat shit and die… everyday in Kitty Korner, the kitty adventure playset I made. COME HERE MR. CUDDLES!

Mr. Cuddles: M-ow! Mm-ow!

Marcus: I will always love you Mr. Cuddles!

Mr. Cuddles: M-ow!

In 2008 videogame publisher Ubisoft purchased the naming rights of the Tom Clancy series of videogames presumably to expand the brand beyond hits like GRAW, Splinter Cell, Ghost Recon and Rainbow Six. Future uses of the Tom Clancy name include:

• Tom Clancy’s Sneaky Army Guys
• Tom Clancy’s Eastern European Countrywide BBQ
• Tom Clancy’s Mom’s Hello Dollies Recipe and Counter-Insurgency
• Tom Clancy Goes Bananas
• Tom Clancy’s Night At The Opera, The Opera That Ends With A Bloody Shootout
• Tom Clancy’s Flashbangdance
• Tom Clancy’s Quickbooks 2010
• Tom Clancy Sings The Greatest Hits of En Vogue
• Tom Clancy’s Games That Don’t React Well To Bullets
• Tom Clancy’s Raving Rabbids
• Tom Clancy’s Post-Cold War Depression
• Tom Clancy’s Coming to Town
• Tom Clancy’s Series of Converging Gameplay
• Tom Clancy’s County Fair
• Tom Clancy’s Geo-Political Tumblr Page
• Where In The World Is Tom Clancy?
• Tom Clancy Party for Wii

Combo Inflation occurs when games overproduce combos and flood the market with useless hits. Combo Inflation was relatively low for many years seeing only modest bumps with Street Fighter and Tekken’s 10-hit combos. The first signs of real trouble came with the release of Killer Instinct where giant combos could be unleashed with minimal effort. The mid-aughts saw runaway Combo Inflation with the release of games like Dynasty Warriors 28 and 99 Nights where combos grew as long as you were pressing down on a button (also known as Downs Button Syndrome).

HEY THERE FRIEND! Hello! I said HELLO! Can you not hear my words my new friend? Of course you can. My name is Pokey and I’m very glad to meet you! I hope you will be my new friend! It’s lonely out here in the desert all by myself. Hot days, cold nights — always alone with my thoughts. BUT NO MORE, right chum? Ah, the fun me and you will have! Oh boy! Let me get a closer look at you. Hey don’t be scared partner! I’m as friendly as the day is long! We can go down to the park and… hey come back pal! HEY! HEY! Yes, come back, that’s it! You had me worried there for a sec good friend. Oh what’s that? You just pull a turnip out from the ground? What are you going to do with a turni… whoa! HEY! That almost hit me amigo! No, you don’t have to pick it up again on my account… let’s us sing a tune about the tim…. OW JESUS! OW YOU HIT ME! Oh. No. You can’t hear me. IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN! WHY DON’T I LEARN?!

I used to have a big house you know. Yeah, I big fucking house waaaay up there in the hills there. But that was back when fucking Pippin was going to rule the whole damn world. You remember Pippin? Pippin. PIPPIN goddamnit! Yeah, I’m talking to you Mr. Ignore Me And Play With Your iPhone. It may interest you to know… I said IT MAY you to know that Apple tried to make a game console once. Yeah. Yeah. They called it the fucking Pippin. Pippin was going to be the shit. Bye bye Sega! See ya Nintendo! Oh we were going eat you for breakfast and shit you out by lunch. But you know America had other plans. Everyone says how America is so great. ♫ AMERICA, AMERICA, God shed his something on thee! ♫ Everyone says how America is so awesome. But you know what? It’s not. We gave them titles like Exotic Sushi. Exotic. Fucking. Sushi. Oh but Americans don’t like sushi games. Well what the fuck, right? Hey about about every American right here in this bar right here… in this bar right here right now make a promise to try to broaden their horizons just a little bit this week, okay? Maybe then when the next set of videogame visionaries drop a gold mine in your fucking laps you’ll know it. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t that be JUST in world full of injustice?! Well fuck all of you, go home and play fucking Wii Bowling some more. Assholes.

Half-Life hero Gordon Freeman is well known for his silence. He is never heard speaking a word in the series but it is not because he’s a man of few words but rather he’s a man full of utterly filthy words. He was edited out. Compare the final dialogue to the original to discover why:

Aylx: Funny you showing up on this day in particular.

Aylx: We have been helping people escape the city on foot. Its a dangerous route to my fathers lab through the old canals, today we are finally on the verge of having a better way.

Alyx: Here lemme buy you a drink

Alyx: Oh and by the way, nice to finally meet you.

Compare to the original:

Aylx: Funny you showing up on this day in particular.

Gordon: Funny like the ****** ***** ***** that’s ***** *** in my ****** ******?

Aylx: We have been helping people escape the city on foot. Its a dangerous route to my fathers lab through the old canals, today we are finally on the verge of having a better way.

Gordon: Speaking of old canals, how about ****** ****** * **** and then ****** ***** four ***** with ****** *** ****** turtle? ***** ***** verge? Verge? ***** ******** ******** ******.

Alyx: Here lemme buy you a drink.

Gordon: How about you drink ****** ***** ***** but ***** *********** *** and then we’ll see about ******* ***** ****** for the ride home?

Alyx: Oh and by the way, nice to finally meet you.

Gordon: Nice to ****** ***** ******* you but I ******* ***** see me in that ********* position? You ******** ******* a talented lady.

• Jesus, it’s hot out today, eh?
• Ha! Women, can’t live with ‘em. Can’t live without ‘em! Right? Right?
• Oooh! That’s got to hurt.
• Is that how you spell falafel? No double-L?
• No, no, please don’t put Pen Pen TriIcelon inside of me.
• I’m hungry but I’m also curious if it is really free if the pizza guy doesn’t get here in 30 minutes. I think I’d rather pay for hot pizza than get cold pizza for free.
• Holy crap, are those my controllers? Why are they so big? What’s the deal with the little garage door opener inside of them?
• Shit, did I leave the iron on?
• Rachel shouldn’t be playing this game. Women and Seaman don’t mix.
• If I vote independent I am just throwing my vote away?
• Is Puerto Rico is a state or a territory or what? Why’s it called a commonwealth? Isn’t that British? WTF Puerto Rico? Time to shit or get off the pot.
• Why did that kid just call me the Soul Calibur Machine?

• That guy was going to be the next Hitler
• I think she was the one who charged too much at the bake sale
• Those kids stole my shovel
• He never thanked me for the zucchini
• She thought she was so great but you know what? She wasn’t
• That one looked like the type that might have kicked a puppy
• I think they wanted to die on a mountain top
• Weren’t they the family that evicted that nice couple from New Brunswick? I think they were
• Well, Charlie was pretty clumsy — he’s was due for a fall down the staircase anyways
• Who wouldn’t want to be de-atomized? Certainly not Greta Ironmonger of 33 Valley Lane

You have heard of Pac-Man and his wife Ms. Pac-Man. You might have heard of Pac-Man Jr. and Super Pac-Man but did you know about these other Pac-People of the Pac-Universe?

• Diddy Pac
• Pac-Pa
• Pac-Shemale
• Pac-Todd
• Mr. Pac-Man, The Evil Landlord
• Sir Pac
• Archibald Pac the Third
• Pink Pac-Ranger
• Pac-Dan, The Pac-Man Who Drinks Beer
• Donatello
• Pac-Lad and His Trusty Dog Pac-Dog
• Pac-Ak-Mak, the Middle Eastern Pac-Cracker
• Pac-Lady
• Pac-enstein
• Pac-enstein’s Monster
• Pac-enstein’s Monster’s Trusty Dog Pac-Dog-enstein
• Pac-Congressman (R)
• Jeff, The Pac-Man Who Eat Boogers
• Pope Pacius IX
• Back-Pac, The Holder of Things
• Pac-Cap, He Who Says “Rise To Vote Sir”
• Pac-Steve Roundpants
• Pacmaster General
• Sgt. Pac-Man
• Green Bay Paccers, Last in their Division
• Officer Pac-Man, The Corrupt Prison Guard with a Horrible Secret

No one likes to deliver bad news to the family and friends of the recently departed. Nevertheless, it is a part of being a doctor and the unique input properties of the Wii and DS have let the developers of Trauma Center bring this challenging part of healthcare to gamers everywhere:

• Pat shoulder of bereaved mother 4 times and say “he died peacefully” into DS mic
• Use Wiimote to slowly pull surgical mark off face and shake head side-to-side remorsefully
• Attach Mario Kart Wii wheel and steer gurney to waiting room. Press A to withdraw sheet.
• Use Wiimote and nunchuck to control dead body as marionette and stage heartfelt goodbye as mother to surviving six-year old
• Use stylus to brush aside tears and then gather family around cafeteria fridge where you arrange magnet poetry words to spell out “your son is dead.”
• Use WiiFit balance board as gas pedal. Drive to Hallmark store. Purchase hilarious Shoebox brand card for widower featuring old granny saying “I heard you’re on the market!”

• In-Game XMB
• In-Game Pizza Ordering
• In-Game Build-a-Bear
• In-Game Advice from Polygon Man
• In-Game PSP Remote Play
• In-Game Valet Parking
• In-Game Snooze Button
• In-Game Scandals Involving the cast of The Hills
• In-Game Photo Development While You Wait
• In-Game Personal Trainer for In-Game Virtual Workout
• In-Game Virtual Workout
• In-Game Drunk Uncle Simulator
• In-Game Detailed Home Security and Local Law Enforcement Competency Questionnaire
• In-Game Games Featuring Mirror Man and the Fantastic Mandelbrot Bros.
• In-Game Cheese

Nothing is as exciting as working on a project you believe in. A project you pour your body and soul into.

Making games for the Odyssey and Odyssey² console was such a project for the first-party game developers of Magnavox.

Unable to contain their excitement within the confines of the games they produced, it spilled over onto the titles of the games they made in the form of an exclamation point:

• Alien Invaders - Plus!
• Alpine Skiing!
• Armored Encounter! / Sub Chase!
• Baseball!
• Blockout! / Breakdown!
• Bowling! / Basketball!
• Casino Slot Machine!
• Cat and Mouse, Football, Haunted House
• Computer Golf!
• Cosmic Conflict!
• Dynasty!
• Electronic Table Soccer!
• Football!
• Hockey! / Soccer!
• I’ve Got Your Number!
• Invaders from Hyperspace!
• Las Vegas Blackjack!
• Matchmaker! / Logix! / Buzzword!
• Math-A-Magic! / Echo!
• Out of This World! / Helicopter Rescue!
• Pachinko!
• Pocket Billiards!
• Speedway! / Spin-Out! / Crypto-Logic!
• Take the Money and Run!
• Volleyball!
• War of Nerves!

Then it spilled over on the descriptions on each box below the title!

They had a lot of love to give.

Project Manager: We still need to send up the HUD design specs to the dev team.

Lead Designer: Right. Right. About that. Because Trespasser is going to be the world’s most realistic first person shooter I think we need to forego the traditional HUD to keep the player immersed in the exciting Jurassic Park world we have created.

Project Manager: Yes! Yes! That’s brilliant.

Lead Designer: Thank you. I was thinking that in order to keep us in the game world we can simply look down at the avatar’s body for a sense of damage.

Project Manager: Hmmm, that might work. We need to make it interesting as well as true to the realistic universe we have created.

Lead Designer: Change the character to a woman.

Project Manager: Giant gazongas?

Lead Designer: The giantest.

Project Manager: Hmmm, actually the game specs call for a graphical health gauge. How can we introduce a gauge for health while being true to this wonderfully lush and shockingly real physics-based environment we created? How do we “keep it real?”

Lead Designer: Hmmm… How about a magical tattoo on her tit?

Project Manager: That’s about right.

• Atlanta Lightning
• Berlin Invasion
• Birmingham Thunderbolts
• California Crush
• Chicago Enforcers
• Chicago Thunder
• Dallas Machine
• Denver Flash
• Honolulu Invasion
• Kansas City Crush
• London Lightning
• Los Angeles Xtreme
• Los Angeles Lightning
• Las Vegas Outlaws
• Miami Machine
• Moscow Machine
• New England Invasion
• New Jersey Hitmen
• New Orleans Lightning
• New York Thunder
• Orlando Rage
• Philadephia Flash
• Phoenix Flash
• Pittsburg Invasion
• San Diego Machine
• San Francisco Crush
• San Francisco Demons
• Seattle Thunder
• Tokyo Flash
• Washington Crush

7:04am: Roll Call. Sarge says we have to use the buggy today.

7:30am: Safety inspection. All systems go.

7:45am: Jumped crater.

8:18am: Jumped rock.

8:19am: Jumped rock.

9:14am: Jumped crater.

10:11am: Jumped rock.

10:59am: Hit rock. Waited for replacement buggy.

11:44am: Fell into crater. Waited for replacement buggy. Passed time playing Go Fish with Al.

12:29pm: Jumped rock.

12:54pm: Jumped rock.

1:47pm: Attacked by two UFOs. Launched counter-measures.

2:34pm: Counter-measures failed. Buggy destroyed by UFOs and Al was killed during probing.

2:28pm: Dispatch says there’s no more buggies. Running out of air. Tell my wife I love her.