You can do this! Who knows how you got up in the air strapped to two balloons and engaged in some kind of cruel deathmatch? Idiot! Still, never mind all that. It’s time to win! Don’t die on me now! And do not push your own panic buttons! Use these tips to avoid a painful, screaming, falling, deflated death! NOW!

• Do you have anything sharp in your pockets? Throw the sharp thing at that other guy’s balloon! It may pop!
• If you happen to see dirt anywhere up in the sky, grab the dirt and throw it in that other guy’s eye! It will temporarily blind him, giving you the advantage.
• Is that guy trying to pop your balloon? Don’t let him! You will fall!
• See that fish down in the water? That fish EATS PEOPLE! Do not let it eat you! You are people!
• Lightning is pretty, but it is not for touching. Do not touch the lightning! Your balloons will be forfeit!
• It’s so nice and relaxing floating up in the sky. DO NOT RELAX! People are trying to kill you! Be vigilant!
• If you are falling, flap your arms. I swear to Christ this works. FLAP, DAMMIT!
• Try yelling awful things at that guy’s balloon! It may deflate from shame!
• Do not even think about trying to pee on something from way up here. NO TIME!
• Do not overeat. You will weigh more, but your balloon will stay the same size. This requires more flapping. Flapping is hard!
• Your balloon is not a hot-air balloon! Put away the giant blowtorch!
• If you can help it, do not fall from the sky and land on any hard surfaces.