Look here. I’m not tryin’ to ruin your fun. I know it’s the future and you gots to do what you gots to do. And that includes puttin’ on a futuristic game show where people kill each other and other people all over the world watch it on their super-skinny UHDTVs and forget their troubles.

I get that. Some of the boys from my vets’ club even watch. I don’t begrudge.

But you have GOT to get me more help cleanin’ up this shit! When I took this job, they told me there’s be three, four, dead bodies tops every episode. This last one, during Sweeps? There were 21 dead motherfuckers lying all over the place! 21!

I’m a hard worker, but this takes the damn cake. How am I supposed to clean 21 bodies and get this place spic-’n'-span before they ship the next thug and his camera crew over here? You know how hard it is to clean an exploded spleen off of a set of metal grate stairs?

And these ain’t dainty little women’s prison bodies, either. These are full-grown men, some up to ’round 300 pounds. Old Eddie’s gotta drag those damn bodies down stairs, through narrow doorways, off’a busted windowsills! I ain’t a young man anymore, in case you haven’t noticed. One of these days, I’m gonna throw my back out and we’ll see how much cleanin’ gets done that day.

Old Eddie doesn’t want to tell you your business, but it just seems a little over-the-top to me, is all. Day was, you could just ask somebody a question and show him a truckload of briefcases and there was your show. You didn’t need a million rounds of shells scattered all over the damn floor over two minutes for some poor son of a bitch like me to clean up for days afterward.

And it ain’t about the pay. I make a pretty good livin’. Enjoy my benefits, too. I didn’t even complain when my Christmas bonus last year was just an autographed picture of some jackass named Dragov. I ain’t never heard of no Dragov. Alls I know is he left one big motherfuckin’ mess for Old Eddie to clean up. Fuck Dragov.

Just get me some help, all right? Get me a mop intern or something. Hire me a temp for weeks like this. Old Eddie’s not gonna be around forever, and when I’m gone, your asses are gonna have one messy set with nobody to tidy it up.

Sincerely,

Old Eddie James
Your Custodian and Groundskeeper