“OK, all right, it’s pitch motherfucking black dark, all right? OK? Can’t see shit, OK? And we’re looking up at the sky and it’s all beautiful and shit and then BOOM! Fucking orange car from Hell blazes right over us, sound coming out of all the speakers all at once, like, WHAM, and we pivot around to see we’re in the dust of the orange PIranha.

“Titles, blam, INTERSTATE fucking ‘76, baby. YES! A Quentin Tarantino Death Race. And then it’s two years ago. Jade Champion is on her knees in a filthy warehouse full of like weapons from Bolivia and shit, right? She’s wearing a hot pink jumpsuit and a mafia dude pulls off her matching helmet. Caked blood all over her beautiful blonde hair. She’s on her knees and a gun’s pointed to her head, but you can’t see who’s holding it, OK? OK? And Jade looks up at her assailant, all defiant as shit, and she goes, ‘You kill me, you’re still gonna have to fill up the tank, you slimy, cocksucking piece of rusty tailpipe.’ RIght? Cool, yeah? OK?

“BLAM! Gunshot. Cut to black.

“Three years later and we see Jade’s brother, Champion, right on Antonio Malochio’s tail on a hot, dusty, empty stretch of road. What happened? Why’s he in hot pursuit? We’ll get to that. Fuck the details right now, OK? All will be revealed, OK?

“Taurus is freaking out, right? He’s like, ‘Champion, back THE FUCK! OFF! Do what I tell you or I’m never saying another motherfucking word to you again!’ His spit’s flying over the damn C.B. receiver, just spittle all over the fucking dashboard and Champion’s just ignoring him and ignoring him and finally he picks up the C.B. slowly brings it to his chin.

“We cut to the front bumper and the road and cactus and shit are just flying rightt at us and cut back to the cabin and Champion says, cool as a fucking cucumber dipped in ice, he says, ‘Taurus. You know I love you, but if you get in my way, you’re gonna end up just like Mr. Malochio. With the trunk of his car shoved so far up his ass, he’ll be tasting Penzoil every time The Devil french kisses him down in Hell. Champ, out.’

“BLACK: Opening fucking credits. ‘Call of the Wild’ by Deep Purple. Get ready for the ride, bitches. OK?”