Marcus: Hey. Asshole. I need a cat.

Humane Society Worker: Excuse me?

Marcus: Ugh. Clean the shit out of your ears, will ya? I need a cat.

Humane Society Worker: Oh, okay… what sort of cat are you looking for?

Marcus: A cute kitten.

Humane Society Worker: Cute Kitten?

Marcus: Yeah, a fucking cute goddamn kitten. You got a problem with that?

Humane Society Worker: No, you just look like a pitbull sort of guy.

Marcus: Eat shit and die.

Humane Society Worker: Sorry.

Marcus: Let’s do this.

Humane Society Worker: Of course. I have to ask you some standard screening questions. Do you live in a house or apartment and what is the approximate size of your place?

Marcus: I live in a helicopter. CAT!

Humane Society Worker: Uh, uh… why do you want a kitten?

Marcus: Listen asshole. Cat. Now!

Humane Society Worker: I’m sorry sir but, but I have to ask these questions or I’m not allowed to release a pet to you for adoption so I really do need to know why you want a kitten.

Marcus: …

Humane Societ Worker: Sir?

Marcus: … I’m, I’m very lonely.

Humane Society Worker: Lonely?

Marcus: Yes. Lonely. I’ve been fighting the Locust Horde for so long that sometimes I think I’ve lost my humanity. I need to reconnect to my feminine side. I need to nuture something. Give life instead of taking it. And maybe you can also, I don’t know, eat shit and die I guess.

Humane Society Worker: I see. Hey, are you crying?

Marcus: NO!

Humane Society Worker: How about Mr. Cuddles here? He’s a 9 month-old tabby.

Marcus: That cat can eat shit and die.

Humane Society Worker: …

Marcus: That cat and eat shit and die… everyday in Kitty Korner, the kitty adventure playset I made. COME HERE MR. CUDDLES!

Mr. Cuddles: M-ow! Mm-ow!

Marcus: I will always love you Mr. Cuddles!

Mr. Cuddles: M-ow!