Ouch!

Yes, we know. it hurts. A lot. You’ve only been playing with your best friend, the Sony PSP, for like five minutes and already your hands are cramping up something fierce. What happened? Who tested these things? Otters made of metal?

The PSP, though pretty to look at, is about as ergonomic as a frozen side of beef. It was designed for play by claw-hooked robots like Rosie from The Jetsons. In fact, she was the lead designer. Rosie has come a long way since she came back from the future. Baby.

You need help. You need pain relief. You need to do it drug-free if possible because those pharmaceutical companies are a bunch of nerd-hating jackals.

What we at the Videogamey Institute for the Treatment of Videogaming-Related Afflictions (VITOVRA, fer short) suggest:

• Heparation PSP
• A Sony-branded PSicePack.
• NOT masturbation. REPEAT: Do not masturbate. It will relieve pain for about five minutes and then cause even worse pain and feelings of guilt, for days.
• Moving hands in lazy circular motions, like gay windmills. Not that there’s anything wrong with gay windmills.
• Tendon implants.
• Sucking it up and finishing that level of Loco Roco, you little pussy.
• If you crack open up your PSP, you will find one Sony-branded acupuncture needle, which you can use repeatedly on yourself. Please do not share.
• A boo-boo kiss from your mother. If mother is dead, prostitute or friendly bum will suffice.
• Icy/Hot. It ices/hots so good.
• Ben Gay. No joke here.
• Deep lunges. It won’t help your hands, but we wanna check out that ass.
• Potion. Preferably magical.
• Switching to a real game system.