Ok Secret Apprentice, your star is on the rise! Just a year ago you were shoveling Gundark droppings at the Imperial Zoo and now look at you! You worked hard, got evil and attracted the attention of one Darth H. Vader who took you under his dark wing and made you his apprentice. Don’t blow it, man. Don’t blow it!

Ok. Be cool. Be cool. You forgot your fake handlebar mustache in the bathroom this morning but you can still buy this crate of soup without any problems. Oh crap, he’s asking for ID for the galactic credit card I gave him. Which one was it? Was it Vincent Apprentice? No no, that’s silly you don’t use that anymore. Think! Think! You can do this! Here goes. Yes! Why yes my gullible young retail sales clerk I am Johnny G. Kelvin and not that you asked but no I’m not an evil sith apprentice who’d kill you in cold blood given half the chance. No, don’t sign up for their e-newsletter! Remember what Lord Vader said — social networking is the bane of ever secret sith apprentice. Oh Lord Vader, you are so wise and tall and that voice! Oh that voice!

Anyways, you’re doing great! You got a big box of soup and you’re going to have a really good night.