Doctor: Well Colonel, the space tests are back from the space labs and I’m afraid the news isn’t good.

Colonel: Give it to me straight Doc.

Doctor: Have you been fighting any intergalactic wars lately?

Colonel: Intergalactic? No.

Doctor: Pan-Dimensional?

Colonel: Not lately.

Doctor: How about taming a disenfranchised colony of Earth that’s on the brink of secession?

Colonel: Oh sure, we get those a lot.

Doctor: Mars?

Colonel: Phobos and Io recently.

Doctor: Oh those Phobosians!

Colonel: Ha ha! Yes, they will get you everytime, won’t they? Ha ha ha!

Doctor: Ha ha ha!

Colonel: Ha ha ha!

Doctor: Wooo ha.

Colonel: Heh.

Doctor: ….

Colonel: ….

Doctor: ….

Colonel: I must have personally killed 400 on Phobos.

Doctor: *cough*

Colonel: Hmmmm.

Doctor: Well Colonel, you have caught something while traveling through the solar system.

Colonel: Oh God, it’s not Enceladus’ Stool Hammer is it?

Doctor: Oh my no.

Colonel: Solar Shingles?

Doctor: No no, you have something we in the medical community call Space Baldness.

Colonel: ….

Doctor: Do you need a minute?

Colonel: ….

Doctor: It’s very common you know. 99% of all space marines will contract Space Baldness during their lifetime.

Colonel: ….

Doctor: You could wear a bandana or maybe a big helmet!

Colonel: ….

Doctor: Save on shampoo!

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Colonel: How long do I have?

Doctor: 65-80 years on average.

Colonel: I see. A lifetime of baldness.

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Colonel: *gentle sobbing*

Doctor: I have to go — your wife is being Stroggified.