Dear Diving Judges,

I’m writing to you regarding the events of August 18th, 1980 in which I, Simon DeGainus, competed at the main pool in the platform diving event. As you may recall on my third dive attempt I smacked my head on the concrete platform and fell unconscious and bleeding into the deep water below.

I would like to remind you that none of you came to my aid. In fact I waited for 7 minutes at the bottom of the pool while you just sat there and held your 0.0 scorecards. I was only 15 feet away. I know you all can swim.

I think you are all jerks.

I’m writing this from a wheelchair.

With a computer that tracks my eye movements to type and move.

My wife has to change my adult diapers three times a day.

Go to hell.

Yours,
Simon DeGainus